Friday, December 30, 2011

"White Wine in the Sun"; It's Sentimental, I Know

I just can’t let this season pass by, without doing a “White Wine in the Sun” post. This post won’t be about anything UU per say, just some brief thoughts about family, which is the essence of this song, and what Christmas means to me. I really love this song. It is probably my favorite song ever. This is my favorite version of this song:

Of course there are some amazing UU- applicable concepts there, like “I don't believe just cos ideas are tenacious it means they are worthy”. That is basically the essence of our worldview in that simple line, isn’t it? I do also kind of have an uber-fangirl fantasy, in which Tim Minchin comes to our church and plays this song on our beautiful piano (and then sings non-dodgy hymns, like “Here We Have Gathered”, and he holds my hand during closing words and comes to coffee hour and has deep discussions with the youth). I’m sure this is completely normal, and I never indulge in said fantasy while actually sitting in church.

UU Church of Peoria Piano by Lynnda White

This song evokes strong emotions in regards to two different aspects of my family relationships. I feel immense gratitude and love and protectiveness when I think of my children. I feel a sense of loneliness, grief, and separation when I think of my parents. Both bring tears to my eyes. Even though my boys are grown, I remember well holding them as infants and wanting them to know I will always love them, and always be there for them, no matter where they are or who they become. I will support them in whatever they face. Always.

socks, jocks, and chocolates

I have had a couple instances this year which have caused my heart to skip a beat being worried about Eli’s health and safety, even though he is now 18 and an independent adult. One was when he was in a car accident, and that was quickly resolved as soon as I heard he was fine and no one was hurt (even though the car was totaled). In that instant of NOT KNOWING, it felt as though 18 years simply disappeared and I was holding him as a baby wanting to protect him.

I am now facing a longer “not knowing” situation, in which Eli has a lump on his neck that after an MRI is still a cause for concern. It could be a virus, or according to my research, something like “cat scratch disease”, and may be nothing to worry about. While we are waiting to learn what it is, I want him to know that I just want for his happiness. I may be guilty of occasionally being overbearing and even judgmental. I think I need to lighten up and not be harsh on his teenage choices and let him learn from his own mistakes. Facing something potentially serious, and listening to this lovely song, help remind me of these ways to be a better mother.

In regards to my own mother, I sometimes feel 9,000 miles from home. I would have loved to have known, at 21 or 31, that she would be there whatever comes. I hate not knowing that. I hate that she sees me through the eyes of her definitively overbearing husband and they are always disappointed in what I’ve become (atheist). Maybe by the time I am 41, I will be able to know that she wants to be the person who makes me feel safe in this world. Until then, I will keep waiting for her, drinking white wine in the sun. I should probably grow up and get over it. It's sentimental, I know.

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